Kash Patel & Todd Blanche humiliated at their own press conference - Another Day - Brian Tyler Cohen [View all]

BTC: Donald Trump's Cabinet officials have one job, heaping praise onto Dear Leader. This is just another day.

Since today is Mayday in America, I thought it only fitting to pay tribute to those workers struggling around the nation. But I'm not referring to those underpaid and overworked individuals who deserve better wages and better conditions. I'm talking about the other workers who are struggling to ensure that Donald Trump knows just how appreciative of him they are.

[cut to video from DOJ]
Blanche: As to whether or not I want this job. I did not ask for this job. I I love working for President Trump. It's the greatest honor of a lifetime. And if President Trump chooses to um keep me as acting, that's an honor. If he chooses to nominate me, that's an honor. If he chooses to nominate somebody else and I go back to being the DAG, that's an honor. If he chooses to nominate somebody else and asks me to go do something else, I will say, "Thank you very much. I love you, sir."

[cut to studio]
BTC: Oh my god. Ugh. It is so sad to watch this. It's like Todd Blanche is the star of his own romcom, but it's still the early part of the movie before he realizes that he's infatuated with a guy who doesn't give a about him. Coming this summer, guilty of love and other crimes.

Yes, recently you may have noticed an uptick in the Justice Department's retribution campaign against Donald Trump's political enemies and that is because the people who currently rent space inside the president's colon are doing whatever they can to not get evicted.

Right now, Trump's approval ratings are in the toilet. I'm not sure if that's related to the sky-high cost of gas, Trump's slap dash war with Iran, or his party's willingness to kick more people off of their healthcare to pay for said slap dash war, but my gut says that it's related. And so, it is up to these currently employed sycophants to cheer this man up. Now, sure, they could probably just bring him a gift, maybe a case of his favorite diet beverage, or as he refers to it, his cancer-killing bubbly juice.

[cut to video from Donald Trump, Jr. podcast]
Dr. Oz: Your dad argues that diet soda is good for him because it kills grass, so therefore it must kill cancer cells inside the body.

[cut to studio]
BTC: Now, to be fair, he is a doctor, but that's not really the true weight of this man's heart. No, if you want to really lift his spirit, you have to do his bidding by doubling down on his authoritarianism. And this week, Mr. Blanche was more than up to the task.

[cut to video from DOJ]
Reporter: Director Comey posted this almost a year ago. Why bring this case now? Did you always feel like this was a strong prosecution or did something change recently?

Blanche: This this investigation just didn't come now. It's the result of of of a lot of work by law enforcement over the past year.

[cut to studio]
BTC: Guess that explains why all the Epstein files still haven't been released. Blanche put all his top guys on seashell duty.

But Blanche isn't the only man who knows that you don't really get to preserve your plot in Trump's colon by just doing your job. You keep it by telling your boss what a great job he's doing.

[cut to video from Newsmax]
Patel: You saw the best resolve of American law enforcement because you, Mr. President, inspire them 24/7, 365.

[cut to studio]
BTC: You see that little love tap from Trump? That's really all Kash wants. And that's what it's all about. Doesn't matter if millions of Americans know that Kash is incredibly unfit for the job. If that one American gives him a little prideful pat on the back, he knows he gets to stay employed. Well, at least for another day.

And Kash's body might be keeping it together up there after that small stroke of validation, but in his mind, pure bliss.

[inset video of Kash Patel celebrating with USA hockey team]

BTC: Every single person in Trump's orbit knows that instead of actually governing, because what fun is that? The president spends his time watching them on TV to make sure that when they're in front of the cameras, the compliments are a coming.

[cut to video from C-SPAN]
Hegseth: It is a personal honor to be able to witness uh the way you lead and negotiate.

[cut to video from CNN]
Hegseth: I see it every day behind closed doors. President Trump's fortitude is unshakable and his mission is crystal clear.

[cut to video from Congressional Hearing]
Hegseth: And I won't even engage with the level of disparagement that you're putting on the Commander-in-Chief who indeed uh is I I mean every I mean secretary every single day.

Sara Jacobs: Mr. Secretary Biden is not the president.

Hegseth: Sharpest, most insightful Commander-in-Chief we've had in generations.

[cut to studio]
BTC: Yes. The sharpest, most insightful Commander-in-Chief we've had in generations.

[cut to video]
Trump: We're the only country that's stupid enough to vote by mail.

[cut to video from ABC News]
Trump: It says MS13.

Correspondent: That was photoshopped.

Trump: No, no. He had MS as clear as you can be. Not interpret it.

[cut to video from PBS News]
Trump: I did post it and I thought it was me as a doctor.

[cut to studio]
BTC: Can't argue with those facts. But besides Blanche, Patel, and Hegseth, there's another man who knows that being second in line to the presidency means you better be first in line to brown that nose.

[cut to video from Fox News]
JD Vance: President Trump's policy is most in accord with Christian Christian social teaching and with the Catholic faith is that more than any president of my lifetime, President Trump has pursued a path of peace.

[cut to studio]
BTC: Really? If that's the case, I think your boss may have accidentally taken a slight detour onto a different path.

[cut to video from CNBC]
WH Correspondent: He wrote, "A whole civilization will die tonight, never to be brought back again."

[cut to studio]
BTC: I always get confused. Was that Trump or was he just quoting Mother Teresa?

The reality is all of this incessant bootlicking by Donald Trump's minions is nothing more than his Cabinet officials looking for job security. And in this Executive Branch, you don't get that through competence or by actual results or by delivering on the promises you made to the American people. You get it by sucking up to daddy.

[cut to video from C-SPAN]
Stephen Miller: What President Trump has done on border security and public safety is a national miracle that will be studied not only for generations but for centuries to come. Thank you, President Trump.

Trump: Thank you, Steve. So, Kash, see if you can top that. I don't I don't know. That's a tough one. Kash.

[cut to studio]
BTC: He doesn't even try to hide it. Donald Trump gets a blowjob from Steven Miller on national television and essentially turns to his FBI director to say, "Hey, Kash, now let's see if you can fit my balls in your mouth." Unless you think these efforts of flattery are purely a male-based activity.

[cut to video from Fox News]
Karoline Leavitt: President Trump has been the steady leader our country needs throughout this entire endeavor.

[cut to video from Fox News]
Karoline Leavitt: Trust in President Trump.

[cut to video from CPAC]
Karoline Leavitt: You know, one of the things I love about President Trump, and I think what makes him such a great leader, is that he's so deeply involved in every decision that is made, every speech that is written, every executive order that is signed.

[cut to video Real America’s Voice]
Karoline Leavitt: You always want to be the most well- read person in the room, and I try to be every day, but Donald Trump always is. That man does not miss a story. Let me tell you, he he's always reading the papers and watching the TV. He doesn't miss anything anyone says.

[cut to studio]
BTC: Oh, you're telling me. There isn't a single Q-Anon story that gets past this guy. These people are scared shitless that today could be their last day working for Trump. That is why they fawn so heavily, why they passionately kiss his ring, and why this administration's lawfare has gotten so egregious. Because people like Todd Blanche and Kash Patel know that every day their jobs are on the chopping block. Weeks ago when Donald Trump fired Kristi Noem.

[cut to video from CBS News]
Voiceover: President Trump said Kristi Noem will be quote moving to be special envoy for the Shield of the Americas…

[cut to studio]
BTC: Uh, my apologies. When Donald Trump relocated Kristi Noem, it was a shot across the bow to everybody else in his Cabinet reminding them that they too are expendable. It was a warning to those left standing that if they don't grovel at his feet and do his bidding, they will be unceremoniously discarded like so many before them. You know, like how a mob boss operates. Because next to waxing poetic over words that you would find on a third grader's vocabulary test,

[inset video]
Trump: A simple word like that, groceries, it was a strange word. I hadn't heard the word in so long.

[cut to studio]
BTC: Donald Trump loves nothing more than running a fear-based administration. And it's because of that fear that people outside of his administration are keen on talking like this.

[cut to video Fox News]
Unidentified: Thank God for President Trump and for the courage and political will to do what he's doing.

[cut to video from C- SPAN]
Lisa McClain: Thank you, President Trump, because without you as our leader, this would not have happened.

[cut to video]
Lindsey Graham: Trump is my favorite president.

[cut to video]
Mike Johnson: He is the most active president, the most energized president, um the most successful president, I believe, in my lifetime.

[cut to studio]
BTC: Wow. Something tells me that Mike Johnson's son just got an alert on his phone that it's about to be stroke o'clock.

This is not adoration. It is fear because each one of them knows that if they dare step out of line, they will meet Trump's wrath. Everyone who works for this president is more than happy to ignore the promises he made to the American people about lowering costs and making life more affordable and instead spend every hour of their day stroking Donald Trump's ego in the hopes that they can survive just one more day, which looks a lot less like democracy and a lot more like an autocratic regime. It is leadership surrounded by loyal lackeys who will do anything for Dear Leader.

And as we've seen time and time again, there is clearly no amount of incivility, no level of corruption, and no cavalcade of lies too large that these people will ever be deterred from proudly proclaiming

[inset video from DOJ]
Blanche: Thank you very much. I love you, sir.

BTC: Ew.