Sis and I were never really close (big age difference), but this has drawn us closer than I ever thought possible. You may find it's the same for you in time. As oldest, everything fell to me on decisions, and I kept Mom in my house for over a year. When she finally got to the point where she stopped wearing pants, cussed like a sailor to me and hubby, and I saw in her eyes at one point where she had no recognition of who my husband was, plus she was falling in the house for no reason. I'm 102lbs. Mom was 200lbs. It got expensive calling EMS every time she fell and we couldn't get her upright. But her behavior was off the scale to the point of becoming violent. The one decision I made without my Sis's prior knowledge was having her moved to Adult Behavior Mod unit at the hospital when she insisted one night (among many others) that she her chest hurt and she had to go to ER. For some reason, she loved going to the ER, altho while there she cussed and swore at everyone. (sigh) Of course, with the Pandemic, she was by herself. She was assigned a social worker and I told her we had to find a long-term care home for her, preferably memory care.
It wasn't... and still isn't... an easy decision. It wracks you to pieces, especially with Xmas coming and knowing I can't bring her home. But tell her why, and she'll forget it five minutes later. I'm hopeful with the vaccine it'll get easier as Sis and I care share bringing her "home" for weekends, etc. It's the loneliness and feeling of abandonment I know is racing thru her head that hurts the worst.
We sold her home and after that, it's Medicaid. We were lucky to find a memory care home 45 minutes away from where I live. Out in the country... really pretty place.
The best thing I did was to tell my sis I'd make no decisions without her input. That drew her in closer to everything. As such, she took on keeping track of mom's finances and I take care of all medical stuff... but we keep each other informed. After a few months of this, we decided to meet at least 1 or twice a month for supper someplace or just get drunk. Believe it or not, it's helped and we're tight with each other. I'm hoping something like this can bring you and your sister together; you'll need a shoulder to cry on at times, someone to spill out your worries and fears, and someone to let down with and relax.
Just realize, there are no good options at this point -- and do what's not only good for your folks, but don't forget about what's good for you and YOUR family. Remember, you count, too. Do what you can. Check with the Council on Aging, and see if a social worker thru the hospital (or referred to you by a hospital) can be assigned. Believe me, it'll help you tremendously and ours cost was nothing.
Good luck... and know there are those of us out here in the same place as you. Don't know how old you are, but I'll be 65 in Feb. I'm scared of what the future holds for me, and actually hoping I leave before I get to Mom's point. That's another part of this to look out for in yourself. I ended up having to have my doc prescribe a "kicker" for my happy pills just so I could get thru all this. The two biggest pieces of advice I can give you is don't shortchange yourself or your family, and make small moves towards your sister.
{{Hugs}}
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