Ann Simonton interviews Ex-model and porn actress Carol Smith (Trigger warning. HoF thread.) [View all]

(TW: child sexual abuse, rape, disassociation, PTSD and drug abuse. Standard stuff in the porn and prostitution industries.)


Ann: Describe your experience in pornography.

Carol: It was awful. It was horrible.

Ann: In what way?

Carol: The way I felt. The way I felt about myself. The way I was abused by men. The way I let people treat me. And even the effects of it now are awful.

Ann: Were you ever physically hurt?

Carol: Yes, I was. A few times.

Ann: Was it on camera?

Carol: One time was on camera and the other time...I'm not quite sure of because I was given that date rape drug, so I don't remember much of it.

Ann: The film makers gave you a date rape drug?

Carol: Yes.

Ann: Tell me about the money. A lot of people have the misconception that women in pornographic films make a lot of money.

Carol: Yes, that's a myth. This was ten years ago, back in the early nineties. What I got paid was about $200 to $300 for one scene. You could be in the movie three or four times and get paid more. But that money doesn't last very long when you have a $200-a-day cocaine habit, which probably 80% of the women in the industry do.

Ann: You would say 80%?

Carol: In the early nineties, yes. Some of the companies now have a policy that you can't do drugs, but I don't know for sure if that is happening. I'm sure that women use drugs in the amateur films, some of the lower budget films and some films done by new producers.

Ann: Can you talk about the harm that you saw and why you feel it is so important to provide services for women to get out of this industry?

Carol: What I saw were women just like myself who were desperate, addicted to drugs, homeless and I'm sure probably at least 80% of them suffered from sexual abuse as children. I saw them re-living their childhood experiences by getting into that industry. They were looking for attention, pleasing men and being abused. And that's all they know. They think it's great. They think it's wonderful. I could have looked you in the eye ten years ago and told you that I loved being in pornography, was proud of what I was doing and that I was having a great time. But now I can tell you that it's so far from the truth. I was very convincing. I could convince you. I mean, I could walk up to a porn star today and she could tell me the same story and I can remember being in her place.

Ann: Why do you think there is so much denial. Is it the myth of the *happy whore* and the *Pretty Woman*? It is certainly a popular myth in today's society.

Carol: I think a lot of it is post-traumatic stress disorder. When you suffer from childhood sexual abuse or were severely abused as a child, you usually repress those memories. You are unable to say, I am doing this because I was abused as a child and this is all I know how to do. This is all I know how to feel. I think a lot of the woman are in denial...and they don't realize what post-traumatic disorder is. You either totally go a whole different direction and turn your life around and get as far away from that abuse as you can - or you re-live the experience, and a lot of these women are re-living what they know how to feel.

Ann: That's a good point. When I was gang raped, like many survivors of sexual abuse, I left my body. At the time this happened to me I was working as a professional model in New York City. I was already good at pretending not to be in my body so I didn't have to feel the harsh judgments of how I looked that were part of my job. To maintain any dignity I tried to disappear - but not existing meant I had to re-invent myself. It was confusing.

Looking back I see similarities between modeling and prostitution. Listen to a model's booking agent pitching the female merchandise to potential clients. In both professions women sell their bodies to make money, and a lot of models use drugs on the job. Although when a model does drugs it's viewed by society as somehow glamorous or exciting.

Carol: Right. Well, you get paid more and it's more acceptable.

Ann: Exactly. Why do we, as a culture, elevate one job and put the other into the gutter? There were many times I had to be naked or change my clothes in front of people, like being in a crowd in the middle of Central Park while they held towels up to try to hide you. They expected models to have no inhibitions about being naked. We embrace one job as terrific and see the other as despicable, when really, they have similarities - except, obviously, posing in outfits is not as invasive as having sex with some stranger.
Could you tell us more about your own experience?

Carol: Yes. I was twenty-seven and a-half when I recovered memories from my childhood. Feeling those memories, feeling the pain of them...I just wanted to die inside. I think women who are only nineteen or younger are so vulnerable, and no one teaches the young girls in pornography and prostitution how to get through the pain, or to get over it. Not that it ever goes away...but being able to deal with it rather than hiding from it, doing drugs and finding other outlets to escape from it.

Ann: What's your understanding of the connection between prostitution and pornography? People often view the two as very different.

Carol: Pornography is prostitution that is legalized as long as someone gets to take pictures or watch. Actually, pornography is much worse than prostitution because it will harm you in a different way the rest of your life. I'm still exploited all over the Internet ten years later. It follows me around.

Catharine A. Mackinnon, Elizabeth A. Long Professor of Law at the University of Michigan, (edited by Christine Stark & Rebecca Whisnant), “Not For Sale: Feminists Resisting Prostitution & Pornography.” 2004.