Astrology, Spirituality & Alternative Healing

I had written (as nl) of my conductor, with whom I had a dual relationship off and on over nearly 3 decades. By day he conducted the chorus I sang with in the 80s and early 90s, and we had a tumultuous relationship. By night we were together in dreams. At first I thought the dreams were a psychological working out of our daytime relationship. And then the night before a concert I dreamed I was with him at his apartment. Several men started banging on a door or window and he jumped up and yelled, "There's a fire! We've got to get out of here!' and ran out. I tumbled through space and ended up hovering near the ceiling in the corner of a kitchen. He was sitting at the end of the kitchen table, with 2 young women, drinking coffee. He said, "They won't let us back in the building because there are still hot spots." I woke up; it was 2am. I fell back to sleep and by morning had forgotten the dream.

That afternoon I headed to the concert. John was there (early for him) in his street clothes. I overheard him telling the concert manager that the fire department had not them back in his building because there were still hot spots. He conducted without music in a borrowed tux that night. Our dreams continued and then I started to go into trances and have clairvoyant experiences that, like the dream, later proved to be true.

Our careers simultaneously took off in 94 and I stopped singing. I didn't see him again until '04 when he started appearing in dreams and asking "What happened?" Angry and hurt, I blew him off even in my sleep until Sept. 07 when he appeared clairvoyantly. We had a conscious, clairvoyant relationship for 3 months and then one evening I "popped in" and found him very upset. He wouldn't tell me what was wrong, but told me he couldn't be with me right now. I didn't 'see' him again until February 08 or so, when he told me he wanted to take care of me. I told him to do what he needed to do, that whatever happened I loved him, had always loved him and would always love him. I remember laughing/crying with a friend to leave it to me to be dumped by a fantasy!

3 years later, in January '11 he reappeared. That was when I learned he had been admitted to a nursing home with early onset alzheimers in '09. I have since learned that in early 08 he "curtailed his activities" due to his disease. He was 'with me' throughout my clinical training last winter and spring.

I was hoping to visit him during a break, but he told me he didn't want me to see him this way, he wanted me to remember him the way he was. I had a vision of calling the nursing home after my clinicals ended and being told I was too late, he had died 2 days earlier.

So instead, against my better judgement, I googled him the weekend before finals week and found his memorial site; he had died 3 days earlier.

Since his death last may, I have had 2 brief conversations with him. I am healed in our relationship. For nearly 30 years I carried the pain -- a knot in the thymus area -- of an unrealized relationship. I am free of that now, and he has taken it on. Apparently he returned not to start our relationship anew, but to say goodbye.