Soccer/Football

A DECADES-LONG conspiracy to discredit Uruguay and their star player Luis Suarez has been revealed. The multi-billion operation, involving body doubles, faked footage and carried out with the full cooperation of media organisations across the globe, was co-ordinated by MI6, the CIA, and Mossad under the direct control of David Cameron and Barack Obama.

Uruguayan President Jose Mujica said: “1994, and George Lucas begins work on Star Wars prequel The Phantom Menace.

“Why? Not because anyone wanted to see it, but in order to develop the CGI techniques that, 20 years later, would be used to fool the world into thinking they had seen Luis Suarez actually biting a man on a football pitch.

“The wars in Iraq and Afghanistan were a smokescreen, funnelling billions into the ongoing program to discredit our country’s hero and stop Uruguay replacing the dollar with cattle as the reserve currency.”