Mental Health Support

It took me years of bolstering by online friends to figure out how to get out and support myself—and then DO IT.

Complicating his personality disorder, he compounded the weirdness by suddenly becoming super religious—like… bizarrely so. His friend/boss had lured him into one of those goofy non-denominational “churches” (think holy rollers but with no outside organization to keep the leaders in check—Florida is FULL of them) and his attempts to dominate the household went into overdrive. He’d claimed to be an atheist like me, but his family had roots in some pentecostal crap and he was apparently easy to lure back.

It seemed so impossible. My mum (halfway across the country) gave me the money to sign up for a medical transcription course—a job I could do at home so I wouldn’t have to worry about wardrobe, child care, transportation, etc. By some lucky break, a friend of his asked him to house-sit for a month, which was perfect timing for my graduating and getting that first job. By the time he tried to come back, I invited him to get lost, eventually filed for divorce, and after two years of pretending he wanted joint custody, I was free. Of course, I was awarded 20 years of alimony and he’s stiffed me on 17 of those… but I’m FREE! That black cloud that walked in the door at the end of every work day to make our lives miserable was gone!

What had seemed like such an impossible feat before I took that step seemed like a short hop when I looked back. What tf was I waiting for? Why did I let him ruin our lives for that long? I let him ruin my self esteem and may never recover that. (Final decree in 2005 and I haven’t even been brave enough to think about dating again, which sucks.) I let him subject the kids to a guy who was never satisfied with any of us. (They turned out great, thankfully, and have chosen to avoid their “sperm donor” ever since.)

I suspect your family is frustrated because you’re letting this guy get away with abusing you. They’re undoubtedly tired of worrying about the endless drama. At some point, you have to ask yourself why you don’t deserve better, and DO something about it. You say your family are making you feel “crummy,” but why is that worse than staying with someone you describe as a drunken abuser?

Do you have kids who are also being subjected to this? Is it physical or emotional abuse? (I found emotional abuse more deeply devastating.) What kind of people will they grow up to be with an abusive relationship as their role model? Can you foresee where you’ll end up if you let yourself be isolated completely with this person? Is your life in danger?

I empathize painfully with where you are. Unlike me, though, you have family who can help bolster you if you’re ready to make a change for the better. You DESERVE better, and you need to start convincing yourself of that. Once you set your sights on a different future, it’ll fall into place. Make a plan, work toward it, and it will happen. Seriously, you can do it.