So sick of this. [View all]

My motivation is gone has been gone a long time. Often I force myself to do things like house maintenance or dealing with paperwork or hygiene.

I never let the mess go too far as to cross over into nasty(The dishes are done every 24 hours and the trash goes out the toilet isn’t skanky for instance) but I wish I could keep the house nicer. Like dusting, vacuuming,washing things.

My house used to be so clean and fresh no dust or crap on the floor.. I liked it that way, still do. But dammit it takes me hours to actually do what I have to do. Usually get 2 things done when I have 20 things I want to get done. Plus I feel a lot of fatigue. Sometimes I lay down but I don’t sleep.


Morass and pointlessness. Like why clean up nobody ever comes over anyway.

Here’s an example of how all this goes
There are dishes in the sink.
I see them seems like such a huge chore I’ll do them later, then later comes. I tell myself at 1 pm I’m going to do them. 1 comes it looks overwhelming I tell myself washing 1 thing means there are 1 less things to wash. I begin to wash the dishes and force myself and I realized there was a pot, 3 cups and two bowls and some silverware not a lot to wash. Then I feel stupid. I begin kicking myself for procrastinating and being such a wuss about a few dishes that took at most 5 minutes to do.

This happens with everything. I want to do wash but I have to fold clothes from the last wash because I was overwhelmed with how many clean clothes there was to fold. I get overwhelmed and the whole cycle repeats. Why can’t I just fucking DO it?

A couple of years ago this problem was not here. It wasn’t so bad back then. Now I always feel tired and it pisses me off.

I feel like a lazy bum but I also know something is going on to make this harder. Is it a perception thing like how many objects like dishes,clothes etc. do I have to do something with? It looks like a huge job.

Then there is the time perception say I know logically something would take at most 15 minutes to do. I can’t perceive time so it seems like it would take a lot longer and be more involved than it is.

I even find myself doing this with art projects.I like doing art projects WTF?

Maybe it’s depression or negative symptoms, I don’t know. My therapist is telling me that it’s ok and that being tired and slacking sometimes is ok.

In my mind I feel the urge to work on an art project I decide to do it but I don’t. I have my brushes and shit on the table ready to go all I gotta do is put water in the brush bucket and go!

Then the urge vanishes like I never even felt it the mindset and adventure of doing the project fades in an instant. It’s like I dissociated away from the desire.

My therapist says I don’t rest in my positive feelings much . It’s like the desire and feeling of contentment of doing a project is far away from me again.

But this shit is getting old. I want to do art , I want a clean house up to my standards but for some reason I don’t do it. There is a dissconnect.

I dunno if it’s adhd, dissociation, negative symptoms or depression.
Or a mix of them

Helluva frustrating.

I have adhd, on adderall. Had it raised recently still this shit happens. Had other meds reduced too feel a little less fatigue but the problems remain.