Mental Health Support

I wish I had some concrete proposals I knew for certain would provide immediate help, but like others on this thread I'm afraid I can't make that claim.

I see in your DU profile that you're listed as being in Minnesota. I went to the National Empowerment Center website and searched for peer run support services in your state, and this is what I found:

https://mnwitw.org/

Just throwing this against the wall here, but if nothing else, perhaps someone there might be able to offer meaningful advice on SSDI appeals and such. This is assuming you haven't tried them already.

And here's the site for the NEP, who I think are good people. They're New England based but they have contacts across the country and they also might be able to offer some advice on SSDI and other things as well.

https://power2u.org/

These other groups, though also not in your area, might be helpful in providing support or in steering you in helpful directions. Perhaps you already know about these places, but if not:
 
https://wildfloweralliance.org/

https://mentalhealthmn.org/what-we-do/peer-support-programs/

I myself am survivor of suicide. Many years ago I took a drug overdose, which put me in a coma for a week, in intensive care for a while afterwards, and in various psych wards after that. I did truly want to die, and was saved by a pretty much fortuitous accident. I say all this just to let you know I can empathize at least to some extent with what you're going through, but of course I don't want to minimize your pain or the devastating circumstances in which you find yourself. It always bothered me when people offered platitudes or even worse, talked about how other people were enduring "so much worse." Like I was supposed to be cheered up at the prospect of other people's suffering!

And like you I didn't think anyone would care if I lived or died, but during my recovery I found this wasn't the case. I suspect your husband, as other have said, would be crushed by your death. There were people in my life who were truly shocked, and enormously saddened and even traumatized by what I'd tried to do, which is why I never tried again.

Afterwards what helped with the depression was talking to other people who had been in similar situations. I also had access to some very fine counselors, but this only happened when I was able to finagle some decent health insurance, which I know isn't happening for you. Another source of support, indeed a real life-line, was talking to people at my local rape crisis center. I won't presume to ask if this might apply to you, but if it does you might consider giving your nearest RCC a call. BTW--I agree, my interactions with other "suicide hotlines"--at least those not run by survivors themselves, were a pathetic joke.

I wish I could offer more, and hope you're able to find a way out of your circumstances. I can say that, had I died when I made my attempt, obviously I would have missed out on all the rest of my life. It hasn't all been roses, but on balance I'm glad I was able to pull through. Not knowing you personally I can't make any claims as to what the future might or might not hold for you, but there were definite times I had just to take it on faith that my life was indeed worth living. As I once told another depressed friend considering "the option," death is forever, and it's inevitable. Whatever you do, one way or another, you'll be dead for billions of years, so why rush it? Why not stick around, awful as it is, for the nano-seconds we all have left, just to see if it can't get better?

Not the most uplifting message, I know, but under the circumstances it was the best I could do. Just another reason I never became a counselor myself!

Anyway, I do hope things go better for you, and please let us know if you're able to get some help with this. It might be a source of strength to someone else who might need it further down the line.

Best wishes, and I'll be thinking of you.

Thucy