for the exact same reason. Like you, I hold myself back from overcoming the blocks I've put into place. But I finally blurted out to my hubby the other night that I thought my depression was due to the fact I'm bored to tears. My retirement has become nothing like I always thought it'd be, and that's depressing enough. Add to it the fact if I want to do anything, I have to come up with the idea and all the planning and all the steps that go into it because hubby, while happy to oblige, is perfectly fine sitting at home on his computer day after day, hour after hour. (sigh)
I don't know if it's because I'm female or what, but my biggest stumbling blocks is cleaning. For one thing, I can't think about doing anything "fun" until the house is cleaned -- or at least straightened up. Until then, all my thoughts revolve around what I *ought* to be doing instead of what I *could* be doing. And the older I get, with my disability, the harder it is to get the house clean or keep it that way. Hubby is a hoarder, especially of paper (especially when it come thru the mail). I don't dare just pick it all up and dump it into the trash because no doubt it'll contain a bill in there somewhere. But it's hard to keep the house "company ready" when you're dealing with something like that, not to mention 9 cats and a huge dog.
I've got one small room, that's really a passthru from one part of the house to the other part, and it's been a collection point for boxes, etc., that should either be thrown out or stored someplace. Unfortunately, that's the room where I was going to set up my candle making supplies. So, before I can do anything fun like make candles, I have to get that room cleaned up and out. At this point that's a major task. And depressing enough just thinking about taking that first step that it just doesn't get taken!
My problem started because I invested myself 100% into my job and career all my life. I really let it define me; not to mention I liked the camaraderie of most of my career of other curious people like me who got into computers in the early days. Now, the number of people in my circle has diminished as I was forced out of my job due to my disability, and my work (which I enjoyed the hell out of) is gone. I truly have not figured a way out of the morass, but I hate feeling every day like I'm just here, taking up space, waiting to die. Not how I envisioned my retirement, I can tell you that!