Mental Health Support

I suppose I was a fixer but I always just figured that I had more stamina than the other 'animals'. Also, where I am from, the phrase 'put everyone to bed' means that you stayed awake while everyone else passed out. Of course, I certainly did help others to bed if they needed it. I am still unable to play the guitar or much of anything between my hands and my recently repaired shoulder. I just sit here and try to make it through each day.

I was raised to believe that the better person gives and does not take. I suppose that this is not a decent reflection of reality, but that is where I came from. To ask for help is to go against who I am as a person. Therefore, it is very, very difficult. In addition, I always look on such help as a loan, not as a gift. But, I will never be able to return anything, so taking just makes my skin crawl. I always gave and my expectation was that life would 'look kindly' on those who did this. (For example, there seems to be three types of people when it comes to being around the scene of an accident. One type avoids even looking at the wreck and will drive away quickly if they are able. The second takes out their camera (or phone) and films the entire thing but does not help anyone. The third type are the ones who run to the wrecked vehicle and start either pulling people out or giving aid to those who are already away from the vehicle. I am still not able to understand why those who are the 'run to help' type are the ones who usually get crapped on by life. Is it that human nature demands that we take advantage of those who try to help? Who knows?) Boy, was I wrong!

People always tell me that there is no shame in not being rich and famous. I never wanted that. I wanted to be a success so that I could keep on doing what I loved. To not manage to do this is to fail. Being a failure is infinitely shameful. Especially when one looks at all the reviews from the acting and the singing and the bands... either they all lied to me or.... I wish I knew. But, holidays like this past one only seem to remind me that I should not be here and since I have nothing left to give, to remain is even more shameful.