it's very likely that your grandmother also abused your mother. Doesn't change the fact that your mother is a difficult, abusive person, but it might help you in coping to know where it comes from.
Detachment from toxic people is a good thing. It doesn't mean totally shutting them out of your life, although that is an option. Detachment can mean minimal contact, which you have already established. Kudos for doing that.
Another part of detachment is to maintain emotional boundaries and the ability to care about her from your side of the boundary, without crossing over it into getting caught up in her emotional manipulations. Not easy to do, but possible and necessary for your own well being. You cannot control what she says and does, but you can control how you react emotionally, how you feel about what she says and does. You can train yourself to stop feeling guilt, anxiety, pain, etc. as a reaction to her. Let your thoughts and feelings go to a better place in response to her toxic space. Remind yourself of these things: "That's her life, not mine." "Sad that she's not happy, but I choose to be happy."
When not in touch with her and the negative memories and feelings about her toxicity pop into you mind, let go and say to yourself, "That's her life, not mine anymore. I choose my own path." Maybe it would help to have a peaceful, happy mental picture of something or someone that you care about that you can turn to as an alternative to negative memories and feelings. Perhaps it could be a mental picture of yourself at a happy moment in your life to reinforce that your path and choices are your own and not hers. Being unhappy yourself will not help her in any way or make her into a different person. So why shouldn't at least one of you be happy?
Hang in there and hang onto your own life and peace. You deserve it.
Happy birthday. 
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