Mental Health Support

As someone who used to be able to be 'the life of the party, now I find that i have pretty much no one. My 'friends' have all either decided that I am not worth the effort or just never were friends to begin with. (A lesson that I have now internalized completely. I will never use that term without cause again. After more than a few stories about 'they are my best friend!', 'Really, how long have you two known each other?', 'Three we lament eks!' and so on, I learned that the word is used way too easily and usually means that someone is up to something.)

'Lonely and in pain' is my middle name these days. I just sit and stare at my guitar or my other equipment and lament the fact that those days are gone. I have not touched them in so long that I doubt I could even play them anymore. My voice is gone after years of not keeping it up to snuff. But again... why bother? That ship sailed almost ten years ago now.

Family? Don't get me started. They never wanted me around and I don't want to be around them. The tepid attempts to keep things on a normal plane are fine as long as we chat via text messages around three times a year and keep it brief. And, before anyone mentions reconciliation I would point out that I was not the one who created the chasm. Why should I do all the work when I was not the one who stared the situation?

I spent many decades bending over triple to please everyone because that was what I was taught. It took me most of those decades to figure out that such behavior is just a set up for others to take advantage of you. But, the second you stand up for yourself, or say no to someone, you are reviled and hated as if you always behaved that way. I just gave up. I have no idea what society is becoming, but I can tell you that, so far, I see nothing in it that I want to be involved with anymore. All of the aspects of our society that created the situation that I am in these days are being hailed as the best aspects of our country. The evil that I see in humans is being presented as positive business acumen, which in turn is also being held up as a good trait to have. As an entertainer, I have watched my profession turned into a 'reality' joke. Not to mention watching CGI being used to replace actors with images. I have no place here. I suppose I never did. Hopefully, I won't have to deal with it much longer.

(Sorry. As the title track to my final CD says, "I'm filled with bile...right to my brain.')