Feminists

Trust me. I've got a lot of experience in this.

I appreciate your solidarity against male (and all relationship) violence and believe your heart's in the right place, and I'm sorry for the grief you're experiencing.

After years of activism around all of this--battering and addiction--and reading hundreds of books and articles, I can tell you that Lundy Bancroft's work is by far the most incisive on this topic (from the point of view of the abused person) in that he gets at the micro- and macrocosm of the issue as well as integrates the wisdom of self-help groups like Al-Anon, particularly in "Should I Stay or Should I Go?" which is co-authored with a really sharp relational therapist whose name escapes me right now.

I highly recommend you get copies (used are online) of Bancroft's first and second books for you and all of your family (and hopefully your niece, but who knows if she'll bother) to read so you are all on the same page.

Based on personal experience, really good Al-Anon (or any support group for loved ones of people struggling with "isms&quot meetings are critical to helping you and your loved ones detach from what in your niece's life you cannot control (which is like, everything). The serenity prayer is amazing.

In addition, reaching out to a local battered women's shelter to find out how to learn more and how you might help victims of relational abuse _who are ready to be helped_ might give you a focus "to change the things I can." There are people who want your help now, and perhaps all you can do is help them. "Accepting the things I cannot change" doesn't mean liking them or giving in. It simply means redirecting your energy where it is most useful for yourself and your fellow human beings.

Paradoxically, at least IMO, when we let go of changing the behavior of the troubled people in our lives and change ourselves, they are more rather than less likely to model our healthier behavior. Battering is tricky because at some point your niece will have far fewer safe choices than she has right now when she's choosing to be with this predator. But if she really gets that you all are giving her space to make her own choices but actively helping battered women as a way to redirect that energy, she may see on a more profound level that, because you all respect her existential right to choose, she can respect her own power to make better choices. She may not. That's the faith part, for you anyway.

THAT's the balance that I used to find that my radical feminist friends in the battered women's movement (OTOH) and 12 step groups (OTOH) didn't get--abused women are not totally victims, and we're not responsible for relational violence either (which is what often sends women to Al-Anon meetings) but there are choices in the middle. Bancroft's work is the best by far to strike that balance.

I speak from 40 years of painful experience here. PM me if you need more support and best of luck.