Remember me? (Former DU Admin checking in) [View all]

It’s been nearly six years since I sold Democratic Underground and posted my last message on the site. When I posted my farewell, some of you expressed hope that I would stop by from time-to-time. I have thought about it many times but have not been able to bring myself to do so before today. It feels like enough time has passed that it's safe for me to come back.

I know it might surprise some of you to hear that I haven’t felt totally comfortable returning. In many ways running DU was a really great fit for me – I have always been fascinated by politics, and I was obsessed with trying to make everyone feel like this is a welcoming place where you could get a break from the worst toxicity of the rest of the internet. But there were certain aspects of the job which I found pretty hard to take emotionally and psychologically. I needed some time and distance (and therapy) in order to process those feelings and get past them. I think one of the best things about coming back and reading DU is realizing that it is actually the community that I always hoped it would be, filled with friendly people who care about the world and care about each other.

You may be wondering what I’ve been up to for the last six years.

After I left DU, my plan was to use the proceeds from the sale of DU to support myself while I followed a long-time dream to write and illustrate a children’s book. I was somewhat surprised to learn that I had a knack for crypto trading, and have been able to support myself doing that. (Yes, I am well aware of all the problems with crypto. Be nice.) Unfortunately, I learned that writing a book was much harder than I had thought. I spent most of my time researching how to write a story rather than actually writing. Every attempt to start writing inevitably ended when I decided my work was terrible and I would give up. After a while I abandoned the effort (temporarily).

But doing the crypto thing led to a somewhat strange detour for me. During that whole stupid NFT boom, when people were paying hundreds of thousands of dollars for cartoon pictures of monkeys, I stumbled upon a small subculture of actual artists who were creating generative art using code. I was intrigued and decided to try it myself. I somehow managed to establish myself as a mid-tier artist – I was invited to collaborate with a few different curators and started to make a name for myself. But over time that voice in my head that I was not good enough started to take over, and then all the money and attention drained away from the space and that was the end of my brief-but-moderately-promising art career.

Eventually I would return to trying to write the book, and did actually finish a draft and do some illustrations. I doubt it’ll get published, but I needed to actually finish something, if only to prove to myself I could do it.

Outside of work, I’m still married to the same woman (nearly 25 years now) with three boys and two dogs. My oldest is in college, and my middle child is going off to college in the fall. My two oldest sons were obsessed with basketball, and both of them played year-round for their schools and on travel teams. The relative freedom that my career afforded me allowed me to go to all their games and go to their far-flung tournaments. My youngest was not really into sports but now that he’s in high school he decided to try out for football and has taken to it. This is all very strange for me because I was a terrible athlete and found sports baffling. All three of the boys are quite tall, from 6’3” to 6’5”. I’m the shortest male person in my family now. You long-termers may remember when my kids were born many years ago.

With two of the three boys out of the house, my life is at something of a transition point, and I’ve been feeling like it’s time for a career change. I have learned the hard way that there isn’t a huge job market for a man in his mid-fifties who built a political discussion forum from nothing, ran it for two decades, and then gave it up to spend half a decade crypto trading. I don’t really have a “network” to tap for opportunities so I’m feeling kind of stuck. If any of you know of any opportunities out there I would appreciate any help you could give. I figure there’s no harm in asking, seeing as some of you actually know me pretty well, and certainly know how I act on the job.

Anyway, the grim job prospects left me pretty frustrated and down on myself. A few months ago I decided to see a therapist. Long story short, I have a lot of issues from unresolved childhood trauma (death of a parent) and undiagnosed ADHD (Inattentive type – I wasn’t the fidgety kid; I was the daydreamer). I’ve spent my whole life telling myself that my childhood trauma had no long-term effects, so it’s been a process to come around to admitting that that’s very much not the case. As for the ADHD, my initial reaction to the diagnosis was that it was a bunch of bullshit, but I’ve come to accept that it is absolutely, 100% true. Now in my mid-fifties, I feel like my entire life has been reframed as a series of coping strategies for these issues. Needless to say, it’s weird. I must be making progress because I finally feel comfortable coming back here.

Anyway, I’m glad to see that DU is still here and that a lot of the people I remember are still here. After all the years of running it and absorbing the criticism and then stepping away… Being able to see this place with clear eyes is a gift.

I’m curious to hear how you all are doing. Does DU still have that guy waving emoji?

Ok, I found it.

ON EDIT: Almost forgot: I also got cancer. I'm four years cancer-free, but I have a huge scar on my leg (which I love because it reminds me how lucky I am).