Is Mitch McConnell Dead? A Wonkvestigation! [View all]

Join us for an exploration of the question all of Washington is asking these days: Is Mitch McConnell dead? Has he expired and gone to meet his maker? Is he no more? Is he bereft of life and living in peace? Is he, to further steal an old Monty Python bit, an ex-turtle?

Nobody knows! It’s one of those giant Washington mysteries. McConnell’s office and associates have been black holes as far as information is concerned. You’d get more of an answer if you asked his fellow Republican senators if any of them had read Donald Trump’s latest tweets, which they always claim to have not done, and therefore they have no comment on his announcement he is nominating his 3-iron to be his new National Security Advisor, thank you for the question but we’re running late for a vote.

The rumors about McConnell’s health and possible demise have been flying for three weeks, ever since he was first hospitalized. Our initial assumption was that he had been found lying on his back, unable to turn over, his stubby four legs waving helplessly in the air like out-of-control windsocks.

But no, McConnell was supposedly found unconscious in his Washington DC home. A tape of a 911 call dug up by an indie journalist named Desiree Townsend indicated he had been found in cardiac arrest and paramedics were performing CPR. All his office would say is that he was receiving good care and recovering. No word on a diagnosis, a prognosis, whether he’s conscious or comatose, or whether, to again paraphrase Monty Python, he’s hooked up to the machine that goes Bing!

His wife even flew to China a few days after he was struck down by his mysterious illness, though that doesn’t necessarily mean anything. Possibly she just hates him.

https://www.wonkette.com/p/is-mitch-mcconnell-dead-a-wonkvestigation