We had Mom's funeral this morning. It wasn't large, just the family and a few close friends

from her younger days and those who came to support me and my sister. Some got sidelined to work in AR, unfortunately, and missed it all. I was SO impressed with the Methodist preacher who did the small service. I just came clean with him that there were many Xtian sects represented in this small group, and some that were not Xtian at all. He understood just what I was saying and while not diminishing his faith, he didn't diminish any of ours, either. He did work in my Native American prayer into the service, as well as the "Do Not Stand at my Grave and Weep" poem. He was also very giving and caring, which is a different experience from my last few interactions with Christian ministers when they find out you're not of their faith. I'm Pagan dyed-in-the-wool... but I don't think I'd have any problem popping in sometime to his church.

It was bitter cold... 7 degrees. And, true to form, the car got stuck in my driveway as I was trying to drive out. Took me, my grandson, my hubby, my daughter, and a close friend to rock that car enough to get it back onto pavement. And then I drove to the Baptist church instead of the funeral home! IOW, my mind was completely bonkers this morning. I know Mom had to be looking down and laughing her butt off at me, all the while saying "You never get anywhere on time!" (LOL)

A friend with a jeep is going to pick me up this weekend and we'll head out to the memory home to pick up the stuff Mom had there. With that, that chapter is closed. And maybe I can come back into a sense of balance. After everyone left this afternoon from the house (we had food here), I tried to lay down and sleep. It's been three nights since I've slept. I'm so emotionally drained and tired... but I just can't fall asleep. Grandson asked if I was beginning to get a phobia about sleep. I don't think so, but nothing seems to help. I feel very empty tonight, which is strange, I think, because I've had a week to live with the shock of losing mom. But leaving her and her casket there at the graveside pavilion just felt "off"... I was leaving her behind, and it just didn't seem right. I'm going to make myself eat supper tonight and then head into my bedroom where it's quiet. I think it'll be easier to let down and cry now. And maybe that's what I need before I can feel okay about sleeping again. It wasn't as elaborate a service as I would have wished for Mom... and we broke up into small groups to talk and share stories, rather than speak at the podium, but I think Mom would have appreciated it and not been embarrassed by the "attention." She was always on the shy side.

So, I'll try to sleep tonight, a magic brownie might help that, if I can find where someone put them. Then we'll head out to the home to gather Mom's things, and I'll once again try to corral the kids into dividing up her stuff among us. When that's done, I feel like that will be the end of the chapter. No one has told me anything else I need to do; the funeral home said they've already contacted SS and Medicare with death certificates; I will probably have to contact KanCaid (Medicaid in KS). Then grandson and I will start rearranging the house here and pitching a lot of stuff not needed to try to make more room for his stuff. Work out a bill payment schedule and make sure all of Mom's are complete. I think at that point, it'll be time for me to make positive changes in my own life, instead of just working around to make sure everyone else is taken care of. I am glad this is over with... as good as everyone was to us, this was a hard thing to go through today. For me, there is no "new normal"... I feel at loose ends without my Mom in my life, and terrified at the directions and harm trump is going to take us. I am telling myself over and over, tho... One Step at a Time. The rest will wait. Meanwhile, I do hatch a slight smile at the thought of all the Irish Stoner female ancestors, gathered together once again, hashing out the latest herbal cures for what ails ya. I'm the last of that generation, and I'm working now to pass my knowledge on to my grandson. Nothing will be lost, cause I'm thinking of writing down all the stories in a book.