Sorry, but not 'evolved' enough, I guess. Still angry when I think about it, even tho have received some 'compensation.'

I didn't mean to imply that people who do not forgive are un-evolved.

I wrote my thread fully understanding that some people have no need for forgiveness, either receiving or giving.

I say it depends in who and how they hurt you.

And like I said to ellen, forgiveness, received or given, may not be necessary for some people.

And I can think of situations where I doubt I'd be able to forgive, like if somebody killed my child.

A few months ago, I realized my older brother (by six years) modeled my parents behavior.

I don't forgive him for that, although I understand how he came to bad behavior.

One day while he was baby sitting me while I was 6-7 he hit me, actually punched me in the face, for 'not obeying him', he knocked out 2 teeth, broke a 3rd, and the force of the mis-mash of broken enamel and dentine cut my gum to the bone. The bone stayed exposed for 3 years...until an elementary "Dental Hygiene Day" resulted in my parents being called into the school to explain why they accepted the trauma as a part of my natural childhood...the delay took out 2 more teeth.

I have forgiven. Doesn't mean I have to allow them back in my life.

because I think holding a grudge against the offender hurts me more than it hurts them. However, I do not forget what they did (or didn't) do and I don't trust them.

i tell my kids- i am all flaws, held together by good intentions. they are slowly, as they get to be adults, starting to figure out that i did the best i could, AND that it was not THEIR fault. i want so badly for them to understand. i couldn't love them any more, and for them to not feel that from me is so frustrating. so i hope for forgiveness, for sure.

but i also, as i get really older, understand my own parents more, especially my dad. he too, was all flaws. a terrible alcoholic. but also a genius, charming as could be, and when he could be, a great dad.
i mostly hated and feared him all my life. but now i find myself accidentally on a path and in a place that he would have done just anything for. and i see my kids with the same love of animals, and growing things, which were his gifts to me. and i have finally found something to really thank him for. and for that i am quite grateful.

When we hold on to grudges, we are the ones who feel that pain, not the person we are angry with. You forgive them for yourself, so that you can move forward with your life. In the case of parents, they can't change the past. None of us can. All we can do is create a meaningful relationship with them in the present. My sense is that you would not be leading the charmed life you describe if you had not found a way to move on from past resentments.

Also in the case of bi-polar disorder, you probably already know there is a very strong genetic component to the disease. You could have had the best parents in the world and still developed BPD.

Ditto what BainsBane said. (I wish there was a way to give comments positive or negative marks.)

If forgiveness doesn't work, flee. Put it behind.

Revenge or schadenfreude have rarely worked out for me.

Well, schadenfreude maybe once... there was this kid in middle school who used to torment me. He beat me bloody a few times. His dad was a tough guy and he was a tough guy. My middle school identity was science geek "queer-bait." I was a skinny, squeaky, clumsy, clueless, and a highly reactive kid. Picked last for sports. This guy got an "A" in Physical Education. All I got an honorable mention for "trying" and a "C" for mostly staying out of trouble. I'd wear the pink and violet P.E. uniform when I forgot my own. (Heh. I solved that problem in high school by never taking my P.E. uniform home to be washed... by the end of the year it was stiff and smelled bad. Maybe one of the many reasons I decided to quit high school.)

So this middle school bully and I crossed paths years later. He was the boy-toy of an older professional woman.

I'd "grown up" to be taller than he was, stronger than he was, I had my kids with me, and I was happy.

But Good God, I was a gentleman. His lady friend sparkled to hear the better things of his past. Like he and I were old school chums. The poor guy's expression moved from terror when he first saw me to eternal gratitude as we all chatted.

On the other hand there are people I avoid, people who hurt me badly. It's not about forgiveness, psycho-babble" avoidance, or anything like that. It's just dark empty places, holes in my life I don't want to fall into again.

Best one can do is solve the problems and then forgive one's self. After that forgiving others is much easier.

second husband, married to my mother after my father had died.

I was long married, with a family, and initially happy for my mother, for she cared for him.
But after 10-12 years, when she started suffering from dementia, he effectively abandoned her.

She tried to phone him, but his daughter always said he was sleeping and he never called or spoke to her again.
He never sent her a Christmas card or contacted her in any way, and even on her dementia, she was hurt.
He died never having spoken to her again, and mother died about five years later.
How do truly forgive such an action?

As I mentioned above, there are circumstances where I think it would probably be impossible for me to forgive. I don't think it makes you a bad person if you are unable to forgive someone. After all, it is you who has been wronged.

However, for me, personally, in my unique situation, I felt it was necessary to forgive for my own well being. I also felt that it was unfair to hold a grudge after so many years for people I knew had changed for the better and had probably recognized their own mistakes. But that's my situation. I realize that this is a very personal issue and I'm not going to try to tell you how you should feel.

Forgiveness is best for the one hurt.
I don't dwell on my mother's situation; it's years ago, and growing longer every year.
But whenever the subject of long-held grievance comes up, that is the one thing I return to.

If they still treat you like crap, there's simply no use in forgiving when they're still toxic. Distancing yourself and soothing out yourself from what happened to you is probably the way to go.