question about the dread of going to the therapist
I guess I have a lot of lead-in to my question. I’ll try not to make this too long. I try not to do TL;DRs.
I'm 50 years old. I was 23 when I started the long road I’m on now. In therapy for a few weeks, I soon found myself in a psychiatric hospital for two months. Subsequent to that I was in therapy for thirteen years. Dr. Carol Brush saved my life (although she tells me “no, you did the work”). After that time I was without a therapist for several years, but it was ok. The work done with Carol changed my life so that I was no longer suicidal, no longer had anxiety attacks, quit looking over my shoulder, learned to cope readily with the crap that life offers. I was happy, genuinely happy. Not perfect, but happy. I knew how to cope and did it well.
Cut to a couple of years after I moved to Maryland. I started having overt emotional problems again. I got a referral to a good psychiatrist, who set me up on some meds and referred me to a good therapist, Jane. The meds started helping, but the therapy was having some disturbing effects. The therapist referred me to the psychiatrist she worked with closely, and I've been seeing that doctor ever since. She takes good care of me. I am now on a powerful cocktail of four psychiatric drugs. They work well, but the main side effects of taking in all of these chemicals every day are loss of short term memory and inability to concentrate. These are terrible side effects for me. They affect my work, and that’s not good. Yet the slightest tweaking can cause serious problems -- although a few months ago we were able to reduce the dosage of one by 1.5 mg. That was a small victory. But I fear I will be on these drugs forever, because of that slight tweaking problem. I worry about this, especially as I realize I’ll have to retire sometime, and there’s that god damned donut hole. . . .
My biggest problem right now is that, after years without seeing Jane (she does not take insurance and is not cheap), I was having enough minor breakdowns that Mrs. V. and I decided, damn the cost, I’d better get back into therapy. Well, therapy has me completely raw and completely vulnerable. It’s very painful and for the first few weeks I left her office feeling numb, then had to try very hard not to break down when I got home and was in a funk for a few days. That went on for a few weeks before we decided to ratchet back the intensity of the sessions, and now they’re much milder. But I still dread going; I get a mild anxiety attack on session day.
Does anyone have any advice that might help me get over my fear of going to see Jane? I dread it so that it is a heavy weight on my chest.
Thanks for reading.
= new reply since forum marked as read
Have you discussed this with Jane, possibly over the phone?
Do you think it might be helpful to change therapists?
This might or might not work for you, but have you ever tried to do meditation? It's not easy; I still struggle with it, but it helps with anxiety. The best writing I've found on meditation is by Thich Nhat Hanh, a Buddhist monk from Vietnam who has written many good books on mindfulness, meditation and peacemaking. His "The Miracle of Mindfulness" is one of the best places to start.
One of his meditations is my favorite:
Breathing in, I calm my body
Breathing out, I smile
Dwelling in the present moment
I know it is a wonderful moment.
I even use it to calm down my daughter's little dog. It helps when I'm stuck in traffic, or waiting for the dentist to start working on my teeth.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do! 
Well, for starters, I can't do phone work with Jane. She has an odd speech pattern that makes it very hard to understand her over the phone. She suggested this very thing and I had to tell her tactfully why it wouldn't work. I don't want to change therapists -- Jane is very good. It was I who wanted to work so very hard in the beginning several weeks ago, and she who suggested we slow down, thus saving me a lot of grief. I still don't want to slow down; I want to heal NOW. Pfft.
I have never seriously tried meditation. My sister does it and occasionally urges me to try it. This is a simple meditation you've posted. Perhaps I'll try it.
Thanks, L.E.
when I'm sitting in the dentist's chair.
i often think i did more work in anticipation of the therapy than in it. when it wasn't just mind gnawing anxiety, that is.
a little bit of slow deep breathing gets me through a lot of anxieties. but i guess you just have to find what works. but be kind to yourself.
except to keep breathing. do you think the sessions can be ratcheted back any further?
my best to you
But I don't know what to tell you. I'll empathize with you that it hurts sometimes, you feel exposed, and vulnerable.
Oh, sister dear, it reminds me of debriding a wound. You have to pick off the old, dead, useless tissue, to get down to the bloody meat. Then you can scab over and heal without the toxic stuff trapped under the scab and poisoning you from the inside. We love you here. And you are going to make it. No pain. No gain. 
