Understanding Reactive Abuse: Signs and Solutions

Last edited Fri Dec 12, 2025, 06:46 PM - Edit history (1)

This is a big issue for me.

For years, my parents and my sister verbally, emotionally, and psychologically abused me. And years thereafter, I became hypervigilant, ready for a fight where it wasn't always necessary.

Please read this article. I solved my own problem by listening until "they" stopped, quickly analyzed that I was being provoked, and not to give them what they wanted. My MO was not to engage. So far, so good.

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The Dynamics of Reactive Abuse
If someone is being physically or verbally abused, their fight-or-flight response might kick in, to help them protect themselves. If they are unable to flee, they might fight back against their abuser by attacking them physically or verbally. They may resort to yelling, screaming, insulting, or even assaulting their abuser.

Self-Defense Is a More Accurate Term
It’s important to understand that someone who has to resort to reactive abuse is not the instigator. Rather, they are a victim who is reacting to being abused.

The term “reactive abuse” can therefore be problematic, because it labels the victim as an abuser. A more accurate term to describe this behavior is “self-defense.”

Unfortunately, reactive abuse often works against the victim of abuse, because their abuser may use it as leverage against them.

Once the victim of abuse responds this way, the perpetrator often claims that the abuse is mutual, says Connors. In some cases, the abuser might even claim to be the wounded party and try to use these instances as proof that they have been abused, instead of the other way around.

Perpetrators may use these manipulation tactics as a way to justify their abuse, control their victims, and keep them from leaving or speaking about the abuse, Connors explains.

-more-

https://www.verywellmind.com/reactive-abuse-signs-impact-and-tips-to-break-the-cycle-7567483#toc-recognizing-the-signs-of-reactive-abuse