Cops yesterday pulled over Ross McDonald, 39, after they spotted him driving the wrong way on an Iowa City street around 3 AM. According to a criminal complaint, McDonald was “extremely confused” and could not tell officers “what bar he was coming from.”

McDonald, who claimed to have consumed two drinks, had bloodshot eyes, slurred speech, and unsteady balance, cops noted. He also appeared to be dressed in a “flasher” costume: “Def was only wearing a trench coat and a piece of cloth that looked like a penis.”

Upon arrival at the police precinct, McDonald “attempted to eat toilet paper, thinking it would mess with” the Breathalyzer. McDonald had initially refused the breath test, but “changed his mind after attempting to eat the toilet paper.”

Despite McDonald’s cunning plan, his blood alcohol content was measured at .165, twice the legal limit.