TBR WORLD CUP EXCLUSIVE—The Borowitz Report has obtained the following late-night message from Donald J. Trump to FIFA President Gianni Infantino:

Dear Gianni,

What the hell? I thought you were my best friend. And now I wake up for my 2 am Truth Social AI slop rant/47-minute bathroom trip to find out we LOST? Against Belgium? What does Belgium even do better than America? Chocolate? Waffles? Cruel and unnecessary treatment of Black people? Not on my watch. I can’t believe this. It’s like the FIFA Peace Prize means nothing.

Well, after you agreed to my request to have the red card for Folarin Balogun suspended, I have some GREAT IDEAS about how to fix your FRANKLY STUPID sport. How come they can’t use their hands? Are they stupid or what?

- All teams must field 11 players including the goalkeeper. The United States can field two goalkeepers and one of them can be Karl-Anthony Towns. Or Shaq. He seems to have time on his hands. And big hands.

- Each American player is allowed to punch one (1) opponent in the nuts per game. Nut taps do not count.

- More hydration breaks. This game is boring. I want to see more ads of David Beckham selling me literally everything.

- I am calling for an end to ALL red cards, and at the request of Stephen Miller, ALL green cards.

- Can the whole broadcast be the hot babes in the stands? Why do I have to watch the stupid soccer at the soccer game?

- Erling Haaland has birthright citizenship and all the players who made mistakes in our team have reverse birthright citizenship. That means they are not born here. Matt Freese, congratulations, you are now from Tanzania.....