Schwab: Sid wants to thank all the little people for his award

By Sid Schwab / Herald Columnist

One thing I have in common with Donald Trump is avoiding the spotlight. So it was with reluctance that I divulged receiving an opinion columnist’s highest honor, The Fred’s Auto Parts and Bakery’s first-ever “Best Peace of Writing Prize.” Since the revelation, people come up to me — tears in their eyes — saying, “Sir, it’s way honorier than the Pulitzer or the Nobel.”

Embossed in real-looking gold with the inscription “The Least Biased And Most Cheerful Writer Since The Invention Of Cuneiform In Mesopotamia,” the medal (it’s quite large) was accompanied by a trophy in the shape of a carburetor made to look like a biscuit. The sign on Fred’s business now reads “The Sid Schwab Fred’s Auto Parts and Bakery for Columnists Not To Be Confused With Communists.” The font will be understated and tasteful (Seattle Times tinyurl.com/tower4u).

I can see my birthday becoming a holiday during which banks will be closed except for bitcoin deposits, and shoppers will receive a 3 percent discount on auto parts and a free doughnut hole if they buy a dozen crullers, making them very affordable and not a hoax. Admission to national parks will be complimentary for people bringing a copy of my book (Amazon: tinyurl.com/4sidsbook).

Because I’m not a self-promoter, I was relieved when my news was pushed to back pages by Trump receiving international soccer’s first-ever, not made-up, totally legit “peace prize.” It was awarded between murders at sea and before invading South America, so it’s as deserved as anything he deserves. Like Trump, I’m 6-foot-13, so, rather than having to bend, we each placed our medallions over our own heads, which for sure wasn’t weird (Times of London: tinyurl.com/2Bweird4u). Also so no one had time to retract the award.

https://www.heraldnet.com/opinion/schwab-sid-wants-to-thank-all-the-little-people-for-his-award/