On January 6, 2021, incited by the Oompa Loompa in Chief, a crowd of terrorist insurrectionist turdsniffers stormed the Capitol Building. During the fracas, one such opponent of American democracy accidentally tasered himself in the balls, had a heart attack, and died.

--On This Day in History Shit Went Down: January 6, 2021--

Allegedly. Allegedly he tasered himself. I’m still referring to him as Taserballs, because fuck that guy. Fornicate all of them with a shit-smeared cactus. Speaking of, the terrorists smeared their own feces in the hallways and offices of the Capitol Building. But let’s set aside the rest of those deranged traitorous dipshits and focus on Taserballs as a representation of who they truly are. It’s metaphorical!

His name was Kevin Greeson. From Alabama, he was 55 and was at high risk for a myocardial infarction. Someone, I don’t know whom, began the aforementioned ball-tasering rumor. It remains unsubstantiated. Snopes says it is false, but most of that relies on Taserballs’ wife saying she was on the phone with Taserballs and he was just really excited about the idea of destroying American democracy, and he died. A New York Times reporter corroborated that Greeson “fell to the sidewalk” as he was on the phone while standing “among a sea of Trump supporters.” His wife said Taserballs wasn’t armed, either with guns or a taser, but it’s possible she wasn’t truthful or didn’t actually know and her husband did jostle a taser in his pocket, electricocksuckered himself, and his heart said ouch quit it and noped out.

Alas, extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence. We don’t have any photos or videos of the taser or Greeson doing the funky chicken while tasering his nutsack and falling to the pavement saying “Ah, my balls!” And so, while I think Snopes is overzealous in proclaiming it FALSE, it is at the least “Unconfirmed.” Thing is, we never believed it anyway.

Many Trumpanzees proclaim their Jaundiced Jesus won the election and there was massive voter fraud despite there being much less evidence than a guy tasing his balls to death. They believe it, they embrace it, they froth over it, they commit murder, they try to overthrow the government, they even die for it. We don’t actually believe Taserballs tased his balls, because there is no evidence. They believe Donny Crappleseed won the election, despite there being definitive evidence that he fucking LOST.

Trumplicans terrorized the nation for years, and Greeson, a former Obama supporter who was radicalized by Danger Yam, epitomized the worst of them. Despite his wife saying he wasn’t armed, he loved to pose for pictures with his guns. More damning is what he wrote on the fascist social media website Parler: “Let’s take this fucking country BACK! Load your guns and take to the streets!” and “Let’s give them A war!” and “Im bringing MY GUNS!” He also wrote “Hell yes… Proud Boys!!!!” (a neo-Nazi group) and “Maybe Nancy Pelosi will get it and die!”

But Taserballs was the one who died. And yet, the name Taserballs will live on in infamy.

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