RFK Jr. Hosts Meet-And-Greet With Infectious Diseases

SATIRE, probably

Published: June 18, 2026

WASHINGTON—Hailing the exclusive gathering as an opportunity to usher in an era of peace and goodwill, Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. hosted a lively meet-and-greet Thursday with a variety of the world’s infectious diseases. “In the spirit of friendship and mutual understanding, the United States is proud to welcome some of the most contagious bacteria and viruses ever to infect the human biome,” said Kennedy, who, following his opening remarks, waded into a reception room at his department’s headquarters and allowed over 10 billion of the invited microbes to spread through his lungs, digestive tract, and brain as a gesture of trust and a symbol of hope for the future.

“Sadly, until now, ignorance has often prevented us from occupying the same space as hantavirus, Ebola, malaria, and so many other pathogens. But today marks a new day—in this room and very soon throughout America. While we can’t go back in time and infect those who lived their lives without tuberculosis, we can commit, together, to making sure future generations are more fortunate.” Kennedy concluded his greeting to his guests with a poignant remembrance of the eradicated disease smallpox.

https://theonion.com/rfk-jr-hosts-meet-and-greet-with-infectious-diseases/