WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a contest to determine the 2028 Republican presidential nominee, on Thursday Donald J. Trump ordered Secretary of State Marco Rubio and Vice President JD Vance to face off in a UFC cage match at the White House this weekend.

Trump decided to replace the traditional system of primaries and caucuses with a mixed martial arts competition because, as he told reporters, “Unlike elections, UFC fights are never rigged.”

“These are both tough guys,” he added. “Marco kidnapped Maduro, and JD killed the Pope.”

According to sources, Rubio’s first attempt at kickboxing went horribly awry Thursday morning when one of his oversized Florsheims flew off and hit Stephen Miller in the eye.