MADRID (The Borowitz Report)—Pope Leo XIV baffled event-promotion experts on Sunday by somehow drawing a crowd of 1.2 million people without hosting a UFC fight.

By attracting a seven-figure audience with nothing but a message of humanity and hope, the Pope bucked the conventional wisdom that people will only turn out in large numbers to see men on steroids kick each other in the face.

At the White House, Donald J. Trump reportedly “exploded with rage” at news of the pontiff’s crowd but later affected nonchalance during an Oval Office briefing.

“Crowd size doesn’t matter,” Trump told reporters. “What matters is how long your reflecting pool is.”