emotional support, especially over long distances is hard, not having the non-verbal cues can lead to self-doubt and overthinking...not that I know anything about that.

You all did the best you could. That's all any of us can do, but it is heroic to keep on.

... does. You did a big pile of what you could do. You're a super hero.

I wish you peace of mind.

You are appreciated!

So, don’t think that was a small thing

Without a steady presence to act as an anchor against the chaos, others aren't able to collect themselves and go forward.
Being "there", with the ability to stay calm and focused on the process and optimal results is important and critical for others who depend on you.
You did well. That's a superpower in a world that is becoming faster and more reactive.
I'm sorry for your loss. But you being there made your brother's life better for him, and that's a hero's position.

My one brother, much younger than I am, is autistic. So I have an idea what that's like, with your son, and it's not easy. If you aren't a hero, you are definitely an angel. Wishing you a peaceful day, with happy memories of your brother pushing away some of the sadness.

as you have found.

When my younger sister died, I was unable to do as much for her as I wanted to because of geographocal distance and an inability to get free of other obligations. I felt guilty because, as the older sister, I'd always felt a responsibility to her. I kept in touch through phone calls, letters,and visits when able to get away.

At her memorial service, people who worked and interacted with her daily where she lived told me anecdotes about her that made me cry, but also boosted my spirits. They knew my name when we were introduced because she had spoken to them of her family. I answered each condolence letter and card, crying gallons of tears as I wrote. It got.me through the worst times.

So it is good for you to hear from us how much we appreciated and enjoyed Paul's posts. They were informative. I opened them as soon as I saw his DU name. I knew that his sources were reliable and the content was something we should know. He was a positive force on this board. I think, from what you told us, that he benefited from being here and you were the one who invited him to join. And it allowed you to keep your mother's wish to look after him. Win-win for all -- you, Paul, and DU.

Sometimes family support systems fail and those needing the support are neglected.

Sometimes there are complications/communication issues/jealousy between siblings after one or both of the parents pass away.

Please know that you were some sort of support system and you did what you could and also provided what you could, Ilsa.

It's important for you to recognize that even if you don't feel like a "superhero".

I knew that Paul had a good number of physical problems. Thank you for letting us know of Paul’s death. May he rest in peace

I'm sure everything you did, no matter how small, was helpful to those you care about.

May he rest in peace. I had just liked and commented on one of his posts this past Wednesday.

Don't be hard on your self, you did a lot for him and he was able to land with other family. I hope the brother he was living with will be ok after this.

superheroes because they have superpowers (and they're just heroes to one another).

Sigh. Excuse the detour. Too little sleep again last night.

Anyway, what you did deserves respect. And I was serious when I said I hope you'll get some sign from Paul and maybe your other loved ones who've passed on that your love and caring were appreciated.

I'm hoping it means they transitioned and are someplace happy. I'd like to think I could sense them. I've always been a bit sensitive to this stuff.

make you more open:

Meditate - whatever type works best for you.

Try the butterfly hug EMDR technique, which to me seems to give results something like instant meditation: https://www.debbieaugenthaler.com/toolbox-2/

Put a focus on gratitude/appreciation, whether making lists of what you're grateful for or just focusing on appreciation for a few moments.

Don't stress yourself watching for signs, because that might block them. And keep in mind that spirits' perspective on time is different. From their perspective on the other side, loved ones will be reunited with them soon, no matter how many years pass.

A relative of mine who believed in an afterlife but was skeptical that our pets' spirits can visit suddenly found herself looking at a cat she'd lost to cancer years earlier. The cat appeared at her feet, one evening while she was watching TV, and just sat there looking at her for a few moments, then vanished. A friend of mine who'd had a cat vanish during a storm had its spirit return a few weeks later as he and his wife were in their living room on a sunny morning; they both felt the cat rub against their legs and looked down to see its translucent form. And a neighbor who lost a cat to heart trouble felt it jump on her bed and curl up at her side, purring, invisible, but there every night for a couple of weeks after it crossed over.

I don't believe there's any transition point beyond which spirits can't communicate with people here.

And sometimes signs can happen when you are thinking or even talking about them. A couple of decades ago I was talking to a neighbor who'd lost her husband to a heart attack several months earlier when he was doing yardwork in the fall. I'd only recently learned about signs myself, and while talking to her learned that both she and her grown daughter had had signs from him that it took them months to mention to each other. I mentioned signs like animals including butterflies acting in odd ways. It was spring, a nice day, and she was sitting on a lawn chair on her driveway, watching her grown son mow her lawn while her granddaughter played nearby. There were some flowers blooming on the other side of the yard, but no butterflies in sight. Then, only a minute or two after I'd mentioned butterflies, the largest butterfly I've ever seen in my life landed on the driveway light on the front of the garage, directly over my neighbor's head. We both stared up at it after it landed, neither of us saying whether we thought it was a sign. We talked about different subjects for maybe fifteen minutes or so before I left. She was still sitting there, the butterfly still perched on that light above her. She'd looked up at it occasionally as we talked, and I thought I saw tears in her eyes once.

It could have been a coincidence, but it was one hell of a coincidence.

Not everyone gets signs, or recognizes them. But I've heard too many stories from people I know - all ages, all walks of life, all beliefs or lack of belief - to doubt them. Most people won't talk about them unless they have some confidence they won't be ridiculed for describing their personal experiences.

I'm sure it can help Ilsa and the many more of us who have experienced overwhelming losses in our lives, especially in these last several years (or decades). ✨

could be a birthdate, birth year, address (on gas station signs, license plates), their name or relationship to us (bro, mom)

some people believe seeing a cardinal, butterfly, dragonfly is a sign from a loved one.

a reference to a connection you had with them, finding or running into an item that the two of you talked about or connected over or had an inside joke about

hearing a song the two of you sang together, danced together, or a song they liked.

not to mention when a light flashes or goes on or off, or you smell something related to them.

sometimes talking to them out loud might get their attention, telling them to give you a sign.

keep looking, keep paying attention.

btw--i wondered about paul's du user name and googled towelie. i see it was a character on south park (that i didn't watch very often) with the catchphrase "don't forget to bring a towel" (looked on youtube and saw towelie for the first time. this made me laugh:

Maybe there was something I can't remember now, but caught my attention for a second and made me wonder. Excellent points. I should slow down, meditate, and see what comes.

We need true blue Americans on this site, and we KNOW you are one of the best!

I have a sister with many of the diagnoses and decision making problems that you describe your brother having, so I can relate to you. It’s not easy but we try to help as we are able, sometimes failing miserably, but overall trying to be a positive force. Please give yourself grace.

Sometimes that’s all you can do……

Peace ☮️

yes indeed

You understood that it would be important to him.

I'm holding you, your family, and especially Paul in my heart.

That's all anyone can ask.

after finding myself having to take the responsibility of some in my Mother's family following her death when I had major respons. of my own. I did things I later regretted and belittled myself for doing.

Then one day when I was at a very low point; out of the clear blue came a thought. "Dammit Woman! YOU did the BEST you COULD. with WHAT you HAD; at THAT particular TIME; with no HELP what-so-ever from other family members who lived closer and had more resources than YOU"

I did the BEST I COULD, with WHAT I HAD, at that TIME.

I am the only one left in Mother's family and to tell the truth, the only ones I miss are my Mother and the ones for whom I became the care-giver. No regrets there either. May you find peace within yourself as well, my sister in the our DU family.