Spurious News: Platoon Leader Hegseth awards contract for graduate education to Bob Jones University!

GREENVILLE, SC (Spurious News Network) -- Platoon Leader Pete Hegseth, currently claiming to be the "secretary of war," today announced that all graduate-level education for military officers would cease at "woke factories" like the Ivy League universities and the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT) and would transfer to Bob Jones University (BJU), a Christian college in the South Carolina Upcountry.

"Never again will our officers be subjected to anti-American propaganda," said Hegseth. "Bob Jones University, one of America's finest schools, will be the only source of high-level education for Department of War officers forever."

Among the degrees officers can seek at BJU, according to Hegseth, will be statistics, business administration, physics, chemistry, electrical engineering, computer science and civil engineering.

Dr. Bruce McAllister, president of BJU, is confused by this announcement. "Bob Jones University offers no graduate programs in any of those disciplines, and we don't even have bachelor's programs in half of them. Our graduate school trains students only for education and ministry, and we neither can nor will add anything else - we don't have the money, the desire to inject secular programs into our curriculum, or the land to build more classroom buildings."

In response, Hegseth dispatched military construction crews from Fort Bragg, NC; Camp Lejeune, NC; and Fort Stewart, GA to construct the necessary buildings and an infantry brigade to convince Dr. McAllister to add the programs. This effort failed miserably. Said Major Arthur Goodwin, executive officer of the 82d Airborne Divisions 307th Brigade Engineer Battalion, "Dr. McAllister wasn't kidding about the land. The whole area around the university is completely built up with homes and businesses. We can't build anything there, especially what that idiot Hegseth wants, so we're going back to base."