BREAKING: In order to boost her sagging credibility and public image, Pam Bondi to re-brand herself as "Pam Gondi"

Washington DC: Embattled Attorney General Pam Bondi is seeking to boost her credibility and public acceptance by changing her name to "Pam Gondi."

Bondi told reporters "I have long been an admirer of Gondi and his work, and out names are spelled the same, except for the "G"...it's as if fate intervened and this was revealed to me in a beautiful dream."

When informed by a New York Times reporter that Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi spelled his name "GANDHI," Bondi sneered, growled, bolted across the room, and sank her fangs into the reporter's groin. As he screamed in agony, Bondi growled louder and screamed "YOU WANT THE EPSTEIN FILES? I GOT YOUR EPSTEIN FILES RIGHT HERE! REDACT THIS, MUTHA FUKKAHS!!!"

The reporter was air-lifted to Walter Reed Army Hospital, where he is under sedation while awaiting a penis donor for emergency penis re-attachment surgery. The reporter has the relatively rare AB- blood type, which means finding a suitable donor is extremely difficult. Without taking this precautionary step, the reporter's body could reject the penis. Doctors remain hopeful while the reporter is in "stable but guarded condition."

This is a developing story and totally false. More details as I make them up.