Spurious News: Trump plan to announce ten-cent gas at SOTU met by oil company resistance!

PALM BEACH, FLA (Spurious News Network) -- King Donald Trump plans to use the State of the Union Address to elevate his popularity, which currently sits somewhere between infectious diseases and man-eating crocodiles. Among his proposals is a plan to fix the price of gasoline at historic low levels.

"Ten-cent gas," said White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt. "Gas hasn't been ten cents in...ever, so everyone will love President Trump for making the evil oil companies never charge more or less than ten cents for gas."

The petroleum industry is reeling after the highly anticipated announcement.

"I really wish they would have asked someone who understands petroleum or basic math before they announced this," said ExxonMobil CEO Darren Woods. "There are a few problems with this ten-cent gas. First, he wants to charge ten cents per tablespoon for gas. Not ten cents per gallon. Ten cents per half-ounce. There are 256 tablespoons in a gallon. Charging ten cents per teaspoon would make gas $25.60 per gallon. The average price of unleaded regular nationwide is under $3. He wanted to charge ten cents per teaspoon, which would have pushed the price of gas to over $76 per gallon. We were able to talk him out of that, but do you realize how hard it is to get ketchup that's been thrown at you out of a $5000 Armani suit? He says he's not going to allow the oil companies to make any more money on gas than they do now, so it appears gasoline taxes are going through the roof - probably to replace all the tariff revenue the Supreme Court says he can't have anymore."

Kendra Keller, CEO and General Manager of gas-pump maker Dover Fueling Solutions, believes it will be impossible to meet this edict with current fuel dispensing technology. "No one makes a fluid metering system that can accurately measure a half-ounce of liquid at the 10 gallon per minute flow rate a fuel dispenser provides. The company we buy our flow metering components from builds meters for labs and factories that can accurately measure a half-ounce of fluid, but they only put out four ounces per minute. I can't believe anyone would want to sit at a gas station for 32 minutes waiting for one gallon of gas to go into their car."

Stan Reynolds, president of convenience store giant 7-Eleven, sees nothing good coming from this announcement. "If you raise the price of gasoline from three bucks a gallon to 26 overnight, people are going to be pissed. Totally, royally pissed, and I can't blame them. They're not going to take it out on President Trump, they're going to take it out on the 23-year-old woman behind the counter who's working at a convenience store for college money."

Dave Coombe, President, Veeder-Root Fueling Solutions, the only company in the US besides Dover that makes gas pumps, believes he has a solution. "We're going to program the Price per Gallon display to show what Trump thinks it should, but the computer will charge what gas is actually worth. If the government tries coming down on us for not charging $25.60 for a three-dollar gallon of gas, we'll go to court and get that overturned. Our lawyers are better than theirs."