MILAN (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump celebrated at the Winter Olympics on Tuesday after winning the gold medal in the downhill presidency.

Trump beamed as he stood on the winners’ podium, boasting, “Obama never won this.”

Notching a historic win, Trump set a new speed record for driving the world’s strongest economy into a ditch.

Despite his victory, he remained bitter about the Super Bowl halftime show, telling reporters that “Bad Bunny took a job away from an American bunny.”