Utah Bans Eye Contact During Sex (satire)

Published: December 4, 2025

SALT LAKE CITY—With top lawmakers championing the measure as a restoration of Christian values currently under attack in mainstream America, the Utah State Legislature passed a bill Monday that bans all eye contact during sex. “Looking directly into another person’s eyes while being physically intimate is a sick and unholy act,” said Utah Gov. Spencer Cox, who criticized the “perversion” of locking eyes during sex and argued that it had led directly to rising rates of crime and drug abuse. “This is a Christian state, and emotionless sex is a part of our heritage worth preserving. The only eyes you should be staring into during sex are Christ’s. Maintaining a deep, mutual gaze with a lover is an immoral and repulsive practice that corrupts our traditional method of procreation. They may accept this kind of degeneracy in California, but in Utah, we close our eyes and get it over with as the Lord intended. If your spouse tries to run their hands through your hair and look you in the eye while having sex, we recommend averting your gaze, saying a silent prayer, and contacting the authorities immediately.” Addressing the concerns of Utah residents worried they might, in a moment of weakness, succumb to the temptation of intimate eye contact, Gov. Cox recommended “hitting it from the back.”

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