Can we all calm down for a minute? It appears my command to take no prisoners, exterminate all traces of life, and torch any semblance of international law has been misinterpreted. You shouldn’t rush to conclusions until you have all the facts.

Just because I said “Blow up the boat and everyone on it” doesn’t mean I literally wanted to do those things. Ever heard of a rhetorical device? The media can’t handle nuance or irony.

You have to understand, the Joint Chiefs of Staff are a lighthearted bunch. We joke around. We do bits. The Situation Room is DC’s Comedy Cellar. Everyone is cracking wise. So when you hear that I ordered an unprovoked attack based on dubious intelligence, you shouldn’t take anything out of context.

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This is classic cancel culture. A man can’t even cut loose with his friends anymore. All I did was comment on some nautical imagery after my sixth gin and tonic, and now they’re threatening to send me to the Hague.

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