HELL (The Borowitz Report)—In a rare public statement from the fiery depths of Hades, Jeffrey Epstein said on Thursday that being associated with Donald J. Trump was “bad for my brand.”

“Look, I wasn’t thrilled about being connected to Prince Andrew,” he said. “But being linked to Trump will forever ruin how people think of Jeffrey Epstein.”

Visibly angry, he called Elon Musk’s decision to allege Trump’s inclusion in the so-called Epstein Files “hurtful.”

Vowing to “tear into Elon when he gets down here,” Epstein declared, “This is the worst thing Musk has ever done, and that includes the Cybertruck.”