Spurious News: Trump accidentally enlists in the Army!

FORT BENNING, GA (Spurious News Network) -- Today, bedlam erupted at this storied Army post's 30th Adjutant General Battalion (Reception) as former president Donald Trump reported to begin One Station Unit Training to become an M1 Abrams Tank Crewmember.

"There's no mistake," said drill sergeant Staff Sergeant Lauren Witton, a cadre member at the reception station all new infantry and armor soldiers process into the Army through. "Former President Trump had planned a parade to honor himself on the Army's birthday. He told his aides that he wanted to 'ride in the lead tank standing tall in the turret.' The problem with that is, only a qualified MOS 19K Abrams Crewmember, MOS 19A Armor Officer, MOS 88M Motor Transport Specialist, or one of the various MOS that service this system can be in a moving Abrams tank. After being told that, he started throwing ketchup at the walls demanding that his staff find a way to make this happen. The simplest thing they could come up with was enlisting him into the Army."

He won't be alone in his quest. "The entire rest of his Cabinet, and the Vice-President, decided they all wanted to ride in tanks and wouldn't take no for an answer," said Staff Sergeant Witton, "so they all got enlisted. I don't think it was really voluntary...I've heard it was something like 'sign here and we'll make sure you can ride in a tank,' and that 'here' was on an enlistment contract."

Staff Sergeant Witton was enthusiastic as to what they'd done. "These fine Americans have all joined the greatest fighting force in history. They'll enjoy 22 weeks of fresh air, sunshine, nutritionally balanced meals that don't include ketchup, and the finest training we have to offer. After they have graduated from One Station Unit Training, they'll all be assigned to the 2d Infantry Division in Korea."

Since the entire presidential chain of succession enlisted in the Army they can't hold their old jobs, so a new president was chosen. "We picked Rep. Jason Crow, Democrat of Colorado," said Speaker Emerita Nancy Pelosi. "During the attack on the Capitol, Rep. Crow relied on his Ranger training he received in the Army to make sure we all survived the ordeal. We didn't reward him properly then, but we can now." President Crow's first act as president was to go to an office supply store, buy the biggest paper shredder in stock, and give it to the President pro Tempore of the Senate with directions to "put Trump's budget bill through this, right now."

When asked whether former President Trump passed his military physical, a broad smile spread over Staff Sergeant Witton's face. "Does it matter? He won't pass basic traiining anyway."